Conquering and Acquiring Fears

One of my professors at Yale Divinity School, the late Paul Holmer, once asked our class, “Over the past year, what fears have you conquered and what fears have you acquired?” Such a question isn’t easy to answer and requires some real, honest self-examination. The class was silent for what seemed like an eternity and it dawned on us that this wasn’t a rhetorical question. Dr. Holmer expected an answer!

Then, a courageous middle-aged woman raised her hand and said, “I have conquered my fear of being alone after my husband’s death and I’ve mostly conquered my fear of spiders. But I have become increasingly fearful of cancer and of my children getting hurt.” We all admired her honesty, but she was the lone respondent to the question. The rest of us were too afraid to venture an answer.

What were we afraid of? I can’t answer for others, but I was afraid of revealing too much about myself in this group of peers. If I was honest about my fears, how would they judge me? Once we give a name to our fears and voice them, some can seem silly. For example, many of us are afraid of insects—especially spiders—but might not like to admit this publicly. Yet, a fear of spiders is a rational fear. Poisonous spiders like the Brown Recluse can genuinely hurt us. Snakes are also in this same category of “rational fears.” A healthy fear of snakes and other creatures that can harm us is a good thing to have when you’re on the trail.

Dr. Holmer’s question contains an assumption that expresses another truth about fear: we are always in the process of conquering some fears and acquiring others. How are fears conquered? The first thing to do in conquering a fear is to face it. As long as a fear lurks in the darkness of our subconscious, it will elude us and restrict us. As long as we deny or repress a fear, it will have power over us. To rob a fear of its power, we must bring it into the light of consciousness. This allows us to name the fear and to take responsibility for it.

While facing a fear won't make it magically disappear, it is the first step in overcoming it.

Practicing Courage

One way to conquer fear is to exercise courage. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the will to act in the face of fear. Someone has pointed out that only cowards say they have no fear. Everyone has fears. The issues in fear are: are we going to allow our fear the power to prevent us from doing what we should? Will our fears restrict what we can and should do in life?

One way to gain courage is to practice. Yes, I said “practice.” You develop your courage muscles by exercising them. The way to practice courage is to get outside your comfort zone. Everyone has a comfort zone—a familiar place where you feel safe and secure. A comfort zone isn’t just a physical location, like a home, but has emotional and behavioral components as well.

For example, something outside my comfort zone is going into a room full of strangers and striking up a conversation. In this situation, I tend to become as passive as a wall flower and wait for someone to talk to me. I am envious of extroverts like my wife who find it enjoyable to talk to strangers.

Yet, over the years, I’ve conquered my fear of talking to strangers by simply doing it more. The first few times were difficult, but I got better (and less anxious) the more times I stepped out of my comfort zone and spoke to a stranger. What I discovered is that most of the persons I spoke to were, like me, waiting for someone to speak to them. I’ve had many good and meaningful conversations that I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed firmly planted by the wall.

This is a minor example of getting outside a comfort zone, but it makes the point. When we step outside of our comfort zones enough times, our fear of doing so diminishes and courage is developed.

"Pain But No Fear"

I unashamedly confess that I am an Olympics junkie. Whenever the Olympic Games are on, winter or summer, I'm glued to the TV. Yesterday was one of the greatest days for American athletes ever in the Winter Games: 6 medals including 3 golds.

What a thrill it was to watch Lindsey Vonn ski an amazing run in the women's downhill! And, she did so despite a painful shin injury. As a skier, I appreciate what it took for her to give her best despite the pain. The New York Times headline on the Sport's Page read: "Pain But No Fear As Vonn Wins Downhill."

The fear of pain is one of the limiting factors in living life to its fullest. While pain is a signal that something is wrong, avoiding pain is not necessarily a good thing. For example, if we avoid loving relationships because we're afraid of the pain of loss or rejection, then our life is diminished.

We need to pay attention to our pains and use wisdom to discern which to avoid and which to embrace. Seeking pain for its own sake doesn't make sense. But enduring pain in order to achieve something good and positive often makes sense.

There is no way to avoid all pain. To try to do so would undermine our living a rich and full life. Neither should we allow our fear of pain to keep us from doing the things that enhance life. Pain is a teacher and we are its students. To fear the teacher is a roadblock to learning our life lessons.

Fear and Mindfulness

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Connecticut-- sunny and around 40. So I took a midday hike in one of my favorite places: Devil's Den Nature Conservancy. I love Devil's Den because of the thick forest and many streams, but especially the numerous dramatic rock outcroppings.

When I hike in this place of natural beauty, I usually find it easy to hike mindfully while focusing on the surroundings. However, today was different. After hiking for a mile or so, I remembered the mountain lion sighting nearby in Westport, CT.

Even though this sighting was a few weeks ago, I began to think about it more and more as I hiked alone deeper into the forest. Every so often I would stop and look behind me, making sure that nothing was sneaking up on me. I began to plan what I would do if attacked (use my trekking poles in self-defense) and who I would call and what I would say. My imagination stoked my anxiety.

This brought home the lesson that fear is the enemy of mindfulness. When we're afraid, it is difficult, if not impossible, to be fully present in the present moment. Paradoxically, fear does cause us to focus, but we focus on the negative possibilities (i.e. being attacked by a hungry mountain lion).

Since I'm writing this, you can surmise that I wasn't attacked by a mountain lion or anything else. My fears were unfounded, as most fears usually are. Yet, to be human is to fear. We need to learn which fears to pay attention to and which to dismiss as remote or improbable (i.e. being attacked by a lone mountain lion that hasn't been seen for two weeks).