Perma-nent Well-Being

I came across a new acronym while reading a New York Times article this morning: "Perma," which stands for: Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment. It was coined by Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of "positive psychology."

Dr. Seligman, who wrote "Authentic Happiness" in 2002, has since discovered that the concept of "happiness" is too limiting. He now is focusing on "well-being" or "flourishing." These words better capture the breadth of a fulfilling life. Well-being isn't tied to a particular feeling or mood (as happiness often is) but is "a combination of feeling good as well as actually having meaning, good relationships and accomplishment," he writes.

I am in full agreement with Dr. Seligman. Happiness is a byproduct of being engaged in healthy relationships and doing meaningful work. We also need to be able to contribute to the good of others. While happiness is self-centered, well-being focuses more on making a positive difference in the lives of others.

For a full and fulfilling life, we not only need to be well, we also need to do good. When our life contains the five elements represented by "perma" the result is well-being. Even though this view doesn't mention spirituality, it is implied. Spirituality is a critical component of a well-lived life. The "tripod of spirituality" (humility, compassion and gratitude) I mentioned in my previous blog is important in well-being.

We were created by a Creator for a full and rich life that cannot be characterized by happiness alone. We were created for relationship, meaning, purpose and to serve a cause greater than self.

Good News for 50+

Are you 50 years old or older? There is some very good news from a recent Gallup poll on happiness. The survey showed that by almost any measure, people get happier as they grow older.

This survey is described in an article in today's New York Times by Nicholas Bakalar titled, "Happiness May Come With Age, Study Says." The Gallup poll took a huge sampling of more than 240,000 people ages 18-85. The overwhelming conclusion was that 85 year-olds are much happier than 18 year-olds.

What this study found is that happiness decreases and anxiety increases from age 18 to age 50. Age 50 seems to be a turning point because well-being increases from that age on.

What is the reason for the increasing happiness at age 50? Dr. Andrew Oswald, a professor of psychology said, "It's [increasing happiness] not being driven predominantly by things that happen in life. It's something very deep and quite human that seems to be driving this."

I'm not surprised. As we age we, hopefully, grow in wisdom and experience. We learn to look inward for happiness and contentment. This looking inward is a spiritual process in which we become less dependent on external factors and more focused on connecting with the sacred dimension of life.

Still, it's nice to see a study confirming the relationship between aging and happiness. As the poet Robert Browning wrote, "Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be..."

Lasting Happiness

My good friend, Dr. John Tamerin, recently gave a talk at the Fairfield (CT) Happiness Club titled, "Happiness: A Clinical Perspective Based on Being in Psychiatric Practice for 40 Years." The quotes below are from the introduction.

"First, you must realize that happiness is a gift. Most important, it is a gift which you can give to yourself, but it is a gift which needs to be refreshed on a regular basis. The kind of happiness that merely happens TO YOU will not last. Lasting Happiness requires effort.

"Every person who seeks my help as a doctor is in pain and everyone who sees me would like to be happy. Happiness, however, is more than the absence of pain. A wise Rabbi in Jerusalem addressed this issue when he asked me: 'What is the opposite of pleasure.?' I gave the predictable answer- 'Pain.' He said, 'No, the opposite of pleasure is comfort because if you insist on being comfortable you will never achieve pleasure (i.e. happiness) because happiness involves both effort and the willingness to confront discomfort and even pain in order to pursue true joy and meaning in your life.'

"His point and now mine is that to achieve happiness you must be willing to make an effort and to confront challenges and occasionally even demons. The path to happiness is not comfortable. Happiness does not just happen! It is not bestowed on any of us simply by being in the right place at the right time. That is merely good luck.

There is great wisdom in these words. Lasting happiness doesn't "just happen," but is a decision that involves effort and a willingness to risk pain and discomfort. Lasting happiness requires self-knowledge, gratitude and a welcoming attitude towards life. Lasting happiness is not based on the changeable circumstances of life, but on nourishing the inner self, the soul.

Nearly everyone says they want to be happy, but not everyone is willing to put forth the effort and to endure the pain that lasting happiness requires.

Great Expectations

Recently, I read a book by Eric Weiner titled, The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World. Weiner, aptly pronounced “whiner,” measures levels of happiness in a wide variety places such as Iceland and India, Africa and America, Britain and Bhutan.

His list of happiest places is somewhat surprising. You'd think that warm places with nice beaches would be happiest. However, Iceland is number two on the list despite its cold climate and moderate standard of living. Denmark, another cold place, is also high on the list.

One reviewer observed that Weiner found that “a myriad of factors contribute to happiness: society, culture, community, relationships, belonging, trust, openness, creativity, action, flexibility, unpredictability, altruism, a healthy balance of comparative feelings, hedonism, but not too much, and money, but just a bit. And, yes, place--if it allows these things.”

Where did the United States rank? Somewhere in the middle of the list. We’re happier than residents of Moldova (the least happy place), but we’re not nearly as happy as those in Bhutan.

Why doesn’t the U.S. rank higher in happiness? One of the main factors in happiness is expectations. And that’s where the U.S. falters. Weiner found that we have the highest expectations of any culture in the world in terms of success, wealth, and opportunity. In fact, we have set the expectation bar so high, very few can clear it.

Much of our unhappiness can be laid at the feet of unfulfilled expectations. We want more out of life—and expect more—but we’re not getting it. High expectations taken to their extreme creates a kind of perfectionism. Perfectionists try their best to make life perfect and become frustrated and even enraged when they discover that life can’t be perfect.

One of the best pieces of advice I received about raising teenagers was: “Lower your expectations and raise your tolerance.” That advice could apply to other areas of life as well. If we had more realistic expectations of ourselves, of each other, and of Life itself, we would be happier.

Perhaps a healthy dose of gratitude and humility is what we need to reset our expectations. Being grateful for what we have and not always craving more leads to greater happiness. Being humble and honest about our gifts and abilities also lowers our expectations to the level of reality.

The spiritual path paved by Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tse and others is one of gratitude and humility. I don’t know if there are really happy places, but I do believe we can find happiness in whatever place we are living. It all depends on how much (or how little) we expect.

Happiness In A Storm

Is it possible to have cancer and still be happy? The short answer is “yes”, according to several recent books by women and men who are battling cancer. The long answer is: it takes time to discover happiness in the midst of the storm called cancer.

There’s no question that a cancer diagnosis is one of the most devastating events that can happen in our lives. And fighting cancer can cause not only physical suffering but emotional pain. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I can’t wait for my chemo treatment.”

Yet, Betty Rollin, a survivor of two breast cancers writes in her book, Here’s the Bright Side, “I woke up one morning and realized I was happy. This struck me as weird. I didn’t have all kinds of things to be happy about—love, work, good health, enough money—the usual happy-making stuff… I realized that the source of my happiness was, of all things, cancer—that cancer had everything to do with how good the parts of my life were.”

If the above seems Pollyannaish, listen to what Ms. Rollins goes on to say, “It turns out there is often—it seems very often—an astonishingly bright side within darkness. People more than survive bum raps: they wind up stronger, livelier, happier; they wake up to new insights and new people... they often wind up ahead.”

Facing death has a way of awakening us to what is precious and important in life. There can be a sense of urgency to appreciating and enjoying each and every day. Often, we don’t fully appreciate the good things and people of life until we are in danger of losing them.

One woman with incurable ovarian cancer said, “I treat every day as an adventure, and I refuse to let anything make me sad, angry or worried. I live for the day, which is something I never did before. Believe it or not, I’m happier now that I was before I was diagnosed.”

Those who survive cancer often feel like they have been given a second chance at life. Lance Armstrong, survivor of testicular cancer and winner of seven Tour de France races, wrote in his memoir, “In a way, the old me did die, and I was given a second life.” Another cancer survivor, Fran Lenzo, echoes Armstrong, “Breast cancer has given me a new life. It was something I needed to experience to open my eyes to the joy of living.”

Recurring cancer and its treatments forced Dr. Wendy Harpham to give up her medical practice. She turned to writing about her experience battling chronic lymphoma. She writes in her latest book, Happiness In A Storm, “Without a doubt illness is bad, yet survivorship—from the time of diagnosis and for the balance of life—can include times of great joy among the hardships.”

So there you have it from those who are weathering the cancer storm. Happiness is possible. Even in the darkest times of life, there is light. The name I give to that Light is God.