"Why?"

Over the weekend I received the tragic news that the 15 year-old daughter of a colleague took her own life. There were no obvious warning signs that she was in such deep distress. She was an outstanding student, athlete and person in every way. She was lively and outgoing and had a wonderful smile.

All of us who knew her and her family are devastated and in shock. Everyone is heartbroken. Of course, we're all asking the question "Why?" We ask this question as if there is an explanation that would satisfy us and we could say, "Yes, now I understand."

Yet, I don't believe there is such an explanation. We search in vain for a rational answer to an irrational act. Suicide, especially for a young person, doesn't make sense. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yet, in a 15 year-old mind, temporary problems can seem overwhelming and unsolvable.

When we ask "why" maybe what we're really doing is crying out for help, comfort and consolation. I believe that comfort can come from the Divine Comforter. However, grieving is a process that is painful and takes time. The deeper the wound, the longer the healing process.

I believe that even the deepest wound can heal. Yes, the scar still remains, and the ache and longing linger, but we can discover a resilience in tragedy that enables us to survive and, over time, embrace life once again. The name I give this inner resilience is faith. When tragedy strikes it is faith that gets us through it.

The Unfamiliar Territory of Loss

At my chronic pain support group yesterday, we had a profound conversation about grieving. I attend this group regularly as a "spiritual advisor," but often find that I am the one who benefits, as happened yesterday.

Members of the group spoke eloquently about what they had to give up as a result of their pain. One man had to give up a charter boat business and was clearly grieving for that loss. Another person had to deal with the limitation of arthritis and giving up the competitive sports that she loved. Another woman spoke of losing her husband, son, and closest friend to death in a period of a few years.

Such losses are painful and can thrust us into unfamiliar territory where we feel lost and alone. These losses create the need to rebuild a new life and form new relationships. Pain is a limitation, but we can recreate a new life within the limitations it places upon us.

What was inspiring about these stories of loss and grief was the resilience of the sufferers. None of these persons were throwing in the towel or giving up. Rather, they were struggling to find a new way through unfamiliar territory. This discussion caused me to rethink how I will deal (and have dealt) with the losses that inevitably will come.

New News on Grieving

Dr. George Bonanno has written a new book on grieving titled, The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. I've read two reviews that highly recommend the book.

Dr. Bonanno challenges the conventional wisdom that there are five stages of grief based on Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's research of persons facing their own deaths. He contends that this research doesn't necessarily apply to those who are grieving the loss of loved ones.

Instead, he points to three "grieving patterns": 10-15% of people have chronic difficulty coping with loss; 15-20% struggle for several months and then recover; over 50%, although pained by the loss, are able to function from the beginning, demonstrating "resilience."

"Resilience" is defined as being able to function well despite the loss. He says of those who are resilient: "They oscillate between turning inward, to face the fact that the loved one is gone, and turning outward."

Resilience is an important spiritual quality-- it is the capacity to draw comfort and strength from one's faith in God. To be resilient doesn't mean that we will be immune from the pain of loss, but that we will be able to cope with it and live a full and meaningful life.