Little Deaths

Saying "goodbye" is a bittersweet part of life. A line from an Emily Dickenson poem expresses this, “Parting is all we know of heaven/and all we need of hell.” Shakespeare made the same point, “Parting ‘tis such sweet sorrow.”

Partings are often difficult because they mark an ending of some kind. Even when a relationship doesn’t end, saying good-bye can be bittersweet. That’s because an ending is a loss and we mourn what has been lost.

Someone has called the partings that occur throughout life “little deaths.” There are so many of these: moving from one town to another, sending a child to kindergarten or college, changing jobs, graduating, getting divorced, changing churches, and so it goes.

These little deaths can be painful. It’s sad leaving good friends behind when we move. Even if we keep in touch, the relationship must change. The same is true of sending our children off to college. Even though we know it’s part of their growing up, we miss the closeness of their daily presence with us.

Dealing with these little deaths can prepare us for the Big Death, that final parting in which we say “good-bye” for the rest of this life. Yet, in faith we know that death cannot break the bonds of love and that we are joined in heart with our loved ones who have died.

Everything I said about Big Deaths in the paragraph above applies to little deaths. Just because we no longer have the physical presence of another doesn’t mean the relationship ends. We can keep in touch by letter, phone or email. We can visit one another. Yet, it’s not the same.

Even if relationships don’t end after we part, they do change. And such change can be painful, even when we know it is for the best. As our poets remind us, parting can be both “hell” and “sorrow” as well as “heaven” and “sweet”

Yet, there is both promise and hope in the pain of endings. The promise comes in knowing this is the way we grow and evolve as persons. The hope comes because God is with us in the midst of endings. The last verse of the hymn, “Blest Be the Tie That Binds,” echoes these thoughts:
When we asunder part/it gives us inward pain,
Yet we shall still be joined in heart/and hope to meet again.

How Many Mothers Do You Have?

I celebrated Mother's Day yesterday by calling my mother and going to lunch with my sons and their mother (who is also my wife). I expressed my gratitude to both of these women for being such wonderful mothers.

I still remember a sermon I heard on Mother's Day ten years ago. It asked the question above and expanded my understanding of motherhood. All of us have mothers beyond our biological mother if mothering is viewed as a nurturing role. You could restate the above question as: Who are the persons who have nurtured you in your life?

Among my mothers are grandmothers, aunts, sisters, my wife, and friends. Not all of my mothers are female-- there are several male relatives (including my father), friends and mentors who have nurtured me in important ways. In raising our sons, I have both mothered and fathered them.

God, who is usually portrayed as a father, is also a mother. God give us life, like a mother, and nourishes and nurtures us like a loving mother. It is no accident that the Greek word often used in the Gospel of John for Holy Spirit is female (paraklete). This word is also translated as "counselor" and "comforter," both terms that convey nurturing love.

Therefore, I give thanks for all of my mothers. Without them my life would not be as whole and as abundant.

Journey Inward/Journey Outward

What is the relationship between spirituality and religion? This question provoked a lively discussion in my World Religions class last night.

Most of us viewed spirituality as having to do with inwardness and solitude, while religion is communal. However, there is not a sharp dichotomy between the two. Rather, there is overlap and interconnection between spirituality and religion. The yin-yang symbol above captures their interrelationship.

Religion without spirituality is lifeless. Spirituality without religion tends toward isolation and individualism. Spirituality provides the connection with the sacred that inspires and motivates us to practice our chosen religion. There is a strong overlap between religious and spiritual values such as compassion, empathy, joy, hope and love.

I like Elizabeth O'Connor's view that spirituality needs a "journey inward" and a "journey outward." For the journey outward, religion can provide the means to serve the greater good. Religion is organized to help those in need and spirituality provides the energy to help.

Organized religion has a negative perception. Yet, at its best, religion is organized to serve humanity. I believe we need both inwardness and community in order to realize our full potential as humans. Spirituality and religion together can help us become fully human.

Youthful Aging

Why do some 80 year-olds seem vibrant and alive while some 60 year-olds seem prematurely old? I don't think genetics alone explains how we age. How we age has more to do with our inner attitudes than outer chronology.

A friend emailed me the following maxim: "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." While this is an oversimplification of the issue, there is some wisdom here. Those who age well are able to keep their sense of playfulness, humor and joy alive.

Aging is inevitable. It brings about changes physically, mentally and emotionally. Some of these changes are painful and impose limitations upon us. Yet, how we adapt to the changes of aging is critical. Are we able to see the opportunities in change?
Are we able to adapt to our limitations and find ways to live fully within them?

Here's an example of what I'm pointing to. A rowing friend of mine can no longer row competitively because of physical limitations. However, he has found new meaning, purpose and joy in becoming a rowing coach. He takes great pleasure in coaching his "kids" and claims this keeps him young.

We all need to discover those things and relationships that make us feel alive and joyful. We also need to be flexible and adaptable so we can find new opportunities when we are no longer able to do those life-enhancing activities. Each stage of life has its possibilities for being fully alive. Those who age youthfully are able to seize them.

"Broken Embraces"

Pedro Almodovar's film "Broken Embraces" is a complex tale, or rather series of interwoven tales, about love, loss and obsession. It features (of course) Penelope Cruz as the mistress of one man and the lover of another. The other lead actor is Lluis Holmar, who plays a blind film director/screen writer.

This film is so full of images and complexity, I'll focus on the central image conveyed by the title. There is much brokenness in this series of interwoven stories. There is the brokenness of Lena (Cruz) who hates the powerful man she is living with. She wants to escape this loveless relationship, but only does so through death.

Mateo Blanco (Holmar) who, after being blinded in an auto accident, takes on the pseudonym Harry Caine. His brokenness is multiple. He is alienated from his son and the son's mother. He becomes close to another young man, whom he learns is his son. He is also devastated by a former lover's betrayal.

"Broken embraces" is an image that captures the difficulty and complexity of human relationships. The "embrace" stands for the closeness of intimacy and parental love. Embraces are inevitably broken by a variety of acts of betrayal, mistrust and selfishness. However, in these same relationships forgiveness and reconciliation is possible so that a new embrace results. The truth conveyed in "broken embraces" is that life is a series of embraces that are broken and then reassembled in new ways.

The Art of Abiding

How do we stay closely connected with the sacred dimension of life? This is a question the Johannine community of the first century asked and answered with the concept of "abiding."

In both the Gospel of John and the Letters of John, a key concept is that of "abiding." Christians are called to abide in God and promised that God will abide in them. They are to abide in Christ's love and Christ's spirit will abide in them.

The Greek word translated as abide is menein. This word also means "to stay" and "to remain." The idea conveyed by menein is that of a deep and lasting connection between two parties. This connection is close and intimate.

While this idea of abiding-- like all language about God-- is a metaphor, it is a powerful one. To abide is to be connected with another in the closest way possible. That's why early Christianity spoke of the "indwelling" (another translation of menein) of God's spirit. The idea here is that God is as near to us as our own breath.

In practical terms, abiding in God means living an intentional spiritual life. It means weaving into the fabric of life times of spiritual nourishment and reflection. Abiding is not science, but art. As art, it requires creativity and commitment. We learn to abide by painting on the canvass called life.

"Natural" Evil

Early this morning we had strong thunderstorms pass through our area. This brought much needed rain that ended a dry spell. Most of us were glad to see the rain bring its nourishing water to grass, plants and trees.

Yet, this same weather system caused massive destruction and 15 deaths in Tennessee yesterday. When weather becomes violent and murderous, theologians put it into the category of "natural" evil. While moral evil results from human choices, natural evil is the result of natural processes that harm humans.

Tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods and famines all are examples of evil. When we're the victims of these forces of nature, we often ask, "Why?" Sometimes this question takes the form of, "Why did God allow this to happen to me?"

Is God to blame for natural evil? If God has the power to prevent a natural disaster from happening, why doesn't God do it?

I don't believe that God sends natural disasters; nor do I believe that God can/will intervene to prevent them. God created the natural processes in such a way that there is a greater balance of good over evil. The same forces that enable life to exist at all can come together in ways that destroy life.

I am arguing that there is a freedom in nature analogous to the freedom humans have to make moral choices. God's creative power is to bring order out of chaos and that process continues. Forces of nature can freely come together in chaotic ways that result in human suffering and death. Yet, if creation didn't have this freedom, existence would be very different than it, in fact, is. The restriction of freedom would lead to the constriction of life and its possibilities for good.